Entry: its too important to stay the way its been Saturday, December 04, 2004

hev u evr heard that death cab for cutie song, title and registration?
its good.

Title and Registration
The glove compartment isn't accurately named
and everybody knows it
so I'm proposing a swift, orderly change
'cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
and all I find are souvenirs from better times
before the gleam of your tail lights fading east
to find yourself a better life

I was searching for some legal document
as the rain beat down on the hood

when I stumbled upon pictures I tried to forget
and that's how this idea was drilled into my head
'cause it's too important to stay the way it's been
but there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all
and here I rest where disappointment and regret collide
lying awake at night

but there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now that it's gone just like it wasn't there at all
and here I rest: where disappointment and regret collide
lying awake at night; all night, when I'm lying awake at night

thats for those who hevnt heard it.
emotions actually almost suck.  u kno?

so, im going on with my life, evryday convincing myself that i am mad at him, that i hate him for wot he did.
but then..one day...i sign on and ive got 2 new emails.
which is weird, bc i only evr hev one new email evry day, and thats from Dictionary.Com's "word of the day" email thing [i already kno i dont hev a life, dont wrry].  so of course i go to look.
its from jake.
he starts out by saying i was jumping to conclusions.
that he really didnt lie.
that he still cares.
that hes sorry...

i just sat there.  for like.  10 minutes reading and re-reading.
he'd added me to his new email, too, which was probly good, bc i had deleted the old one, bc its not somthing id hev been able to deal with...
knowing hes there, knowing i really do still like him [thats not somthing i can just stop doing], and yet that hes still ignoring me.

so, i dont kno wot to do now.  im so confused.  so, of course, i ask becca....
she says shes not so sure about it.
so i ask johnny...
he says hes not so sure about it.

wen the whole thing first happened, i wuld wake up, and think it hadnt actually happened.  or id think that he'd say it wasnt really him.  or somthing was misinterpretted, or misunderstood, or somthing, i dont kno wot, exactly.
i wuld think, som1 who u believe loves u so much doesnt just stop loving u like that...
i wuld com home thinking it wasnt real.
and then id hev to convince myself it was.
and then id hev to convince myself i hated him.
lots of convincing going on.....

now its just like he really is saying that.  but hes not saying he still wants to b with me.  actually, he mentions a reason y he thinks we cant.  or shuldnt.  theres an easy way around it, i kno, bc a girl in one of my classes last year did it wen she had to move to maine with her fiance, who was in the military, and while she was still finishing up highschool.  so its not really evn a problem.
but i just dont kno if its really wot he wants....
he said he still cares in the email.
that he still has feelings for me.
and god knows, i still like him.

but wot now?
im too scared to just com out and ask.  im too scared to assume.  im too scared to ask "can u call me" or to say "i love you" and hope he says it bak.

he wrote that he wasnt ready for a relationship rite now.
he wrote that he didnt want to go to bootcamp while in a relationship.

now wot?


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