Thursday, November 25, 2004
u said u hate my suffering and u understood, u said ud always b there, well where r u now?
im too insecure for my own good. thats wot ruins things for me, i think, my own stupid insecurities.
not that nethings ruined yet, or nething...
but im sure somthing will b.
im already getting all upset about one of the most important thngs to me now. i worry that im not being fair, with him in juneau, to ask him to wait for me, while he has to sit bak and watch his best friend being all happy with his gf.
his vry juneau-oriented gf.
it bothers me so much that wen hes unhappy, im not around to help.
that i cant make him happy.
today, i hevnt really evn talked to him...for a little bit...then he looked and acted upset, but said he was fine....i wanted to talk to him, to make him happy, but i didnt want to pry into him, make him tell me if he really wasnt comfertable with telling me...and i didnt want to annoy him with questions and stuff...
relationships r so hard..
long-distance relationships r evn harder...
i can wait, i just need constant reassurance.
like sara said, im needy. its hard to find boys who'll put up with such a needy, insecure girl.
at least, im sure he will...
hes a sweetheart like that...
he does try to make me feel better...
he *does* make me feel better. evn wen he has to spend hours getting me to evn admit that there is somthing wrong...
im just not used to sharing my feelings with boys..
my ex's were nvr into that, really. they wernt the easiest boys to tell things to.
its going to take a little work, but i want to b able to just b able to tell him how im feeling...
its just hard...im scared of scaring him away..
Random thots made public at 01:33 am by pointless
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
no, my dog wont bite u, tho she has the rite to
so this is the most ive felt for a boy in a long time.
i can talk to him on the phone, forevr. which is weird, bc im not a phone-oriented person, at all. but 2 weeks ago, i bot a 500minute phone card that lasted about a week. a little less, maybe. and then last week on wednesday or somthing i bot a 700min phonecard, and now i hev like, 200somthing minutes left[hes in juneau rite now]. and also, i can understand him. which is also weird, bc i dont get boys, at all. hell, i dont evn get girls, so being able to understand him is...amazing. he makes sense. and i love that.
i dont mean to ramble on about him...
i just cant get him off my mind...
i cant wait till he comes up to see me ><
ive been listening to modest mouse all week. its hot. the other day i was listening to it in the car, going to walmart with my brother. and he parks in som random empty space in the back of the parking lot, faaar away from the door. and he doesnt get out of the car, so i hev to walk. and there was an empty space rite next to the door. and im like, uhm, ok......but then, wen i got bak, and the windows were rolled down, and the vents were all turned on high, and there was a sweet stench in the car, i realized...exactly y. so i was like, so, can i drive home, then?
i went to saras house, and we watched tv, and played cards with her mum, and then made bracelets. she got me a bunch of awsome stuff for my birthday too =D she got me glowinthedark letter beads, yellow smileyface beads, glitterglue pens, non-drying modeling clay, plastic jewel shapes to glu to stuff, sticky felt letters, and a modest mouse cd that she burnt for me ^^ i was all jumpy and excited =D sara is so freaking awsome, i love her so much..
trixie's first birthday was on the 28th =] she's doing sooo good now, omg...u wuldnt imagine how much she's changed. im so proud of her. we'v started her bak up into puppy classes again. she didnt do vry well, tho, she got real possesive ovr another dog. it was an unnuetered male french bulldog or somthing named flea. and she wuldnt let the other female boxer near him, she growled and got all mean, and her jealous fit ended playtime.
saturday, i got to go spend the night at zach's house. i miss that boy a lot. he hasnt changed much, changed his hair, but it still looks good. it doesnt sound like he'll b coming back for next semester, but he said he'd b in summer school with me, which is awsome. i miss going to school and seeing him, hes always all happy, and makes me feel so loved. and evry1 misses him, too. jfk;awjetweo3atj3ea3eto =[
i think im gonna go get som sleep.
cuz its late and im tired.
-hugs and kisses- i love you jake <3
Random thots made public at 01:15 am by pointless
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
i met this boy...
i kno ur probly thinkin
"good god, not again...."
"she's just asking for it now..."
but this is different.
he is different.
his name is jake. hes a sweetheart, he makes me feel wanted, he makes me feel good about myself. he thinks like i do. he wants the same things i do.
i hope i can keep him.
its hard for me to keep boys. but i think i can do it, this time. it'll b worth it, this time, with him. hes worth trying for. hes worth waiting for. hes more my age too. i kno som of u thot i was going overboard with the 20 yr old boys, but its not like i chose them. but u were all rite. they were all wrong for me.
so, i took a break. not a long one. one long enuff for me to kinda get my feet bak on the ground. wen scotty left, he left me pretty foked up. like i wasnt really sure where i was going nemore. but i think i kno, now. at least, ive got a pretty good idea.
i kno wot i want.
who i want.
where i want to go with my life.
i nvr did get an afterschool job, but ive been babysitting a few kids.
its not regular, but its money evry now and then. it'll help me get where i wanna b.
its nice to hev a goal.
i just hope it works out...
Random thots made public at 11:16 pm by pointless
Sunday, October 10, 2004
yea, one more mouthful and they will b happy then
chris and shantel took me out to eat at lake lucille. it was awsome. i got a grilledcheese sandwich, cheese sticks, and potato skins. and hot chocolate. and they got like...pasta and ribs and stuff. but we didnt eat it all, so we got boxes to take it all home in. but they gave us 1 box too mny...and i didnt want to waste a perfectly good foam box. so i put a full glass ketchup bottle in it. and som silverware. wen we left, i asked how they knew we wuld pay, instead of just leave, bc we left the money on the table.
tellie said they just trust us.
and i said..
kind of like they trust us not to steal their ketchup bottles.
and their silverware.
and she said...
they filled the bak of chris's car with balloons.
and i threw them out the window as we drove down the highway.
happy birthday to me.
they got me a cake, and carebear candles, and a bag of snickers.
my favorite =]
then tanya got me a cake too =] so mny cakes....they were all good. terry got my high on tuesday, and becca got my high on wednesday. i think i shuld take a break from it all, tho..
i hung out with seth yesterday. we watched silence of the lambs and hannible, and went to tastee freeze. it was awsome. hes so funny, i wish we culd hang out more, but its hard with him in anchorage and me in hatchers.
then he dropped me off at davids and me and him watched happy tree friends and aqua teen hunger force. it awsome, again, wish i culd do it more, but...theres still that whole distance thing. and it's only going to get wrs, with him moving and all.
i ended up spending the nite at his house. it was fun, hes a pretty ticklish guy =P and i used that to my advantage a lot.
not that he didnt retaliate, bc he did.
damn him =P
unfortunately, he had to go to wrk at 10, so i just slept in till 2, wen seth came and gave me a ride home. i felt bad about making him drive me again, and i gave him $20. i hope he doesnt think im using him for a ride.....bc im not...
i need new shoes...mine r old, and dirty, and kind of ickedy. plus, evry1 seems to hev gotten the same ones now. and its..creepyweird.
i need a shower.
Random thots made public at 06:27 pm by pointless
Monday, October 04, 2004
this is fact not fiction, for the first time in years
so i figured i was way past due for an update.
not that ive actually been doing nething or nething.....
but neways. re-dyed my hair. its the same color, just that now theres no dark roots.
mum did it. thanks mum =]
phils birthday was on friday. he turned 22. i hung out with him and played video games.
it was awsome, and i truly had a wonderful time.
he thinks i didnt, and that makes me sad.
i finally got a ride out to anchorage, from a boy i'd known only 2 days, and had nvr met. but i decided he was awsome. hes sarcastic, and understanding, and easygoing. it was awsome. i had to tell my parents he was david, tho, bc they'd hev nvr gone for som random unknown boy. it was funny, tho, wen we got to anchorage, and he was next to david, david's about 9035 feet taller than him. lukily my parents didnt see him =P but they'v nvr seen david, either, neways so its all good.
i hung out in anchorage with david, and his friends. they were pretty awsome, i laffed at them a lot. at them, with them..wotevr. him and his friend looked creepyintimidating wen they stood next to each other tho, bc hes like 6'5 and his friends 6'8. and im only 5'5 =P they were awsome, tho. david said he had fun, but i dont know how much i contributed to that. i dont think id hev thot i was vry exciting if i were him. i didnt say much. or really do much...but i thot it was awsome.
davids got a pretty face. like. PRETTYpretty. like the new dollface or somthing.. since i dont evn get to see scott nemore, he loses his previous titles.
since im talking about scott neways...
hes moving in like, two months. im happy for him. he'll b living with desmond, laura, and jenny, i believe...
now, ive nvr met jenny....
and she sounds like fun and all...
but her timings all off.
see, she got bak the exact same time scotty stopped talking to me, and dumped me.
so, wen i think of her, i wrongly associate her with him dumping me.
its wrong, and i kno it, but i cant help it.
can u blame me?
Dave: i tend to be a happy drunk, and i REALLY let my gaurd down.
Hannah: thats ok. i tend to b a happy-in-the-pants drunk.
ok, so that was random. it was just said 2 seconds ago and i didnt wanna forget it.
so my birthday's on wednesday, and i dont hev school till friday bc of the highschool qualifying exam. since they hev the teachers giving the kids their tests, they dont want the extra kids hanging out around the school. so we'r sposed to wrk all day. im not.
chris is taking me somwhere tomorrow for my birthday, cuz hes wrkn on wednesday.
he wont tell me where tho..
then david mite b out around here. hes still not sure. depends on if his friends r coming out to hatchers or not.
i hope so, tho.
then seth's coming ovr wednesday, bc i felt bad about making him drive me to anchorage and all. and becca wants to get me high for my birthday. =P
who knows wot'll happen tho...
i wish i did.
Random thots made public at 09:37 pm by pointless
Monday, September 27, 2004
oh, was that ur heart...? i apologize.
ive done stuff. ive had a life and crap. but i dont really care. life sucks and i hate it. i shuld just get ovr this. but i cant. or dont want to...
its hard pretending like i dont care.
i cant convince myself that i dont care.
but god, i wish i really didnt.
ive been getting high a lot lately. with becca. with terry. nething to change the way i feel. to distort things. everything.
i feel worthless.
Random thots made public at 04:57 pm by pointless
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
i get mad at myself really easily lately. in fact, its like the longer its been, the easier it is for me to hate myself.
yes, i still take my meds evryday.
but that doesnt seem to help stop me from hating myself.
its actually gotten pretty bad.
ive started doing things that i kno will hurt, bc i think i deserve it.
for being so stupid.
for being so irritating.
for being so me.
ive decided to destroy my social life. ive been trying to get a job that will take up all of my free time.
i hev no self-respect.
i wish i culd b som1 else.
i miss scotty..
Random thots made public at 10:38 pm by pointless
Saturday, September 11, 2004
but u loved me yesterday...i can still feel you touching me
school was great. the first day, best first day of school ive evr had, really. me and becca hung out with tanya and told her all the stupid things that had happened to us ovr the summer..it was great.
so wednesday coms along...i call scotty.
of course i do..im a pushovr.
so neways...i start crying rite off. i cant evn get two wrds out wen he picks up the phone b4 i start crying. his voice was so soft...
and i say, y wont u talk to me..?
and he says...
...i didnt hev the phone for awhile, and then i thot i had let u down...and i didnt kno how to call you...and tell you...
and i say
tell me wot?
and he says...
...he says, tell u that its ovr.
maybe thats not it wrd for wrd, but its close enuff.
my parents dont want me seeing u, bc ur too young.
we can try again later, just not soon..
'fidget' isnt the rite name, but its the first that comes to mind.
[see also: choke, written by chuck palahniuk]
so im getting a job. ill wrk 4-10 maybe, hopefully. ill wrk at preschool in the morning, school at noon, and wrk in the evening. putting my personal life aside for awhile. burrying myself in...
this is wot i need, tho. not another guy who'll tell me he cares, and then doesnt. not at all.....
Random thots made public at 01:58 am by pointless
Monday, September 06, 2004
soo, i found him. hehe o god did i evr find that boy...... he still hasnt bothered trying to get in touch with me. y wuld he tho?
so terry calls last nite. while im at fidgets house.
a bittersweet kind of phonecall.
he knows where scotts been. oh good, so i get to hear wot his super-awsome excuse is, bc i kno theres a good reason he's blown me off all week, rite?
ull nvr guess it.
not in a million years.
oh yes. hanging out with a jenny at his house. at the fair. in the car. evrywhere u'd evr wanna b with a jenny.
do i think they'v done nething sexual?
no. i really dont. but i giv him a week more.
and then if he doesnt talk to me in that time, i assume that he's thru with me. and i move on.
simple as that.......
i dont think he's going to get ahold of me.
Random thots made public at 07:36 pm by pointless
Saturday, September 04, 2004
crappingcrpafacedcrap iloveyouscotty =[
[01:31:12 AM] In Spades: you're over him is what you are
[01:31:23 AM] and i dont d: im still with him
[01:31:29 AM] In Spades: you're on to bigger and better things
[01:31:31 AM] In Spades: no you're not
[01:31:33 AM] In Spades: he's not with you
[01:31:38 AM] In Spades: you're separated
[01:31:46 AM] and i dont d: its not his fault
[01:32:03 AM] In Spades: yes it is
[01:32:18 AM] In Spades: he didn't bother to come over for a week
[01:32:23 AM] and i dont d: wot r u, the devil on my shoulder or
[01:32:38 AM] In Spades: no, i'm the common sense
[01:35:38 AM] and i dont d: i need to talk to scott :(
[01:35:45 AM] In Spades: for what?
[01:35:57 AM] and i dont d: i need to kno
[01:36:10 AM] In Spades: what excuse would you take?
[01:36:19 AM] and i dont d: i dont kno..
[01:36:26 AM] and i dont d: a sincere one.?
[01:36:31 AM] In Spades: like?
[01:36:45 AM] and i dont d: i donno..
[01:36:57 AM] In Spades: i wouldn't take that...
[01:37:12 AM] In Spades: even if there was a death in the family...
[01:37:22 AM] In Spades: he should have come to you to tell you about
[01:37:26 AM] In Spades: so you could comfort him
[01:37:36 AM] In Spades: that's what girlfriends there for
[01:38:11 AM] In Spades: right?
[01:38:51 AM] In Spades: hannah?
[01:38:54 AM] In Spades: seriously
[01:38:59 AM] and i dont d: i dont kno..
[01:40:07 AM] In Spades: tell me what you know for sure
[01:41:06 AM] and i dont d: that he wuldnt do this without a good
[01:44:29 AM] and i dont d: hes a good kid
[01:44:51 AM] In Spades: yeah, but he's still doing it to you, no
matter if it's a good reason or a bad one
[01:45:49 AM] and i dont d: well, if its for a good reason, then its
ok, i cant expect to b his whole life
Random thots made public at 02:28 am by pointless
...and i turn around and hannah's laying on my bed holding a piece of pizza crust in the air. "hannah?" she lowers her arm, and smiles. i love hannah's smile.
and now, her hair matches her eyes. again. it's lovely. lovely-magnificent.
-written by: my sawa-
nIcKnameS: HaNaNaH, HaNNaBie, YaBaNa
BirTHdaY: ocT. 6, 1987
PerSonaLiTy: SiLLy, SemI-ouTgoIng, EasiLy EnTerTaIneD, noT HarD To PLeaSe, worKinG on mY seLF-eSTeeM
orIgInaL HaIr cOLOr: BrOwn
FavorITe CoLoR: BLuE
auThoR: cHucK PaLaHniuK
MovIes: BooNdocK SaInTs, FighT CluB, DoNNiE DarKo, PirAtes ofthe CaRRibeaN, AmerIcaN HisTorY X
FavOriTe pLacE tO bE: oN sAwAs bEd
MusIc: mOsT rOcK, TecHnO/DanCe
somthing about your eyes
makes me wish ud start to cry,
and somthing about ur mouth
makes me wish ur smile was permanently upside-down;
with the sound of ur voice, the silence breaks,
and i fnd myself wishing u wuld suffocate,
to stop all the crazy things u make me feel,
like the screaming rage of defiance,
but with ur death coms a perfect silence...
so ill waste my days hoping
that somthing will leave u choking,
and no1 will hear ur cries for help,
leaving me with the greatest feeling ive nvr felt.
-mY KinKy FeTisHes-
FisHneT [sHirTs, sTocKinGs, eTc]
PiGGy BacK RiDes
sHavinG mY LeGs
PinsTriPes [PanTs, sKirTs, eTc]
THinGs [sHineY, FuZZy, sParKLeY, FLuFFy, CoLorFuL]
MaMMaLs [monKeYs, DoGS, PonIeS, eLaPHanTs, CoWs, PiGGieS, PanDaS]
amPHiBiaNs [FroGs, TurTLes]
add me to your msn msngr =)